Hello beloved child of God, I hope you’re fine by God’s grace.
Have you done your assignments from yesterday? I hope you’re following along and doing your share of the task.
Yesterday we talked about loathsome labels and depression. You can check out the blog post here.
Today, we’re going to talk about the link between self-blame and depression.
When faced with negative circumstances, people usually tend to look for someone to blame. Some will externalize it by blaming others, while some others will internalize it by blaming themselves for it, considering themselves 100% responsible for what happened to them.
Let me give you a few examples:
- A woman may take the complete blame on herself for the fact that her husband cheated on her and divorced to marry his lover
- A man may consider himself 100% responsible for the fact that one of his kids became a thief and associated with a group of gangsters to steal property in the house
- A child may consider that he’s responsible for the fact that his teacher/parent/guardian raped them and this child may carry this self-blame into adulthood
At times we’re not even responsible at all for the evil things which happen to us. At times we have a share of responsibility in it, but when our thinking gets distorted, we may not see that we had just a share of responsibility in it, we may blame ourselves 100% for what happened to us.
This only leads to sadness, guilt, shame and eventually depression.
We have to learn to get rid of the habit of assuming full responsibility for things we’re not fully responsible for.
It starts by analyzing the situation truthfully. Once we know the truth, the truth shall set us free.
John 8:32 NIV
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Example 1 : Analyzing Your Degree Of Responsibility
It requires to be logical and reasonable.
Let’s take the example of Susan who blames herself 100% for having been sexually abused in childhood by a family friend. Let’s call him uncle James
| All possible causes of your problem | Percentage of responsibility |
| Uncle James was a longtime friend to my parents, they trusted him completely, as such they were never disturbed with leaving me alone with him | 30%: They really trusted him |
| I was way too young to understand what was happening and to alert my parents about it | 20%: This made him able to continue with his wicked works knowing that my parents would never hear about it from me |
| Uncle James was a sexual pervert. Later on in adulthood I started hearing about his multiple sexual partners and his huge number of children out of marriage. He was obsessed with sex ever since | 50%: His sexual perversion was highly responsible for what he did to me. I was just one of his victims |
From the table above we can clearly see that Susan was not responsible for the fact that Uncle James, the family friend raped her. Her parents had their share of responsibility in the fact that they trusted this man way too much, enough to leave her alone with him, and he too had majority of his share of responsibility because he was a sexual pervert and predator. The only share of responsibility she can attribute to herself is for the fact that she was too young to understand what was going on and to say it to her parents. So we can’t really consider her as responsible.
As she looks at this table, she realizes that she spent all her life blaming herself for something she wasn’t responsible for.
Now that she knows the truth, she can be set free.
Next time the devil will put thoughts in her mind telling her that she’s a prostitute and that since childhood she’s been living an immoral life with men and that it’s all by her fault, she’ll be able to reply that it’s not her identity in Christ Jesus, and that she was not responsible for what was done to her.
Example 2: Analyzing Your Degree Of Responsibility
Thomas was married with his wife Larissa for 7 years. Suddenly, she filed for divorce, she admitted had been cheating on him with his best friend Lucas for 6 months. He believes he is 100% responsible for this divorce and for the failure of his marriage.
| All possible causes of your problem | Percentage of responsibility |
| I was always busy with work. I was more available for my job and for my colleagues than for my spouse. I always refused to spend time with her whenever she asked, and I would tell her to spend time with Lucas instead. I didn’t see it coming | 20%: This didn’t help, it instead pushed her into temptation by making her draw closer to another man |
| The stress of still not having a child though we had been trying for 3 years | 10%: She was always sad about that and not willing to talk about it |
| I gained 20 kg during our marriage. I wasn’t doing any sports anymore and I wasn’t taking care of my body, the complete opposite of Lucas | 10%: This probably made her less physically attracted to me. |
| Lucas’ manipulative plan to steal her from me | 20%: Now that I notice it, he was always after her. Even when I first met her, he was interested in her just like me, but she chose me. He waited and gained her trust little by little while I was absent. |
| I had stopped communicating with her, we would spend days without discussing. Not because she didn’t want to but because I was always saying that I was busy | 20%: Lack of communication is never good for a relationship |
| Larissa always had ease with falling in love quickly with which ever guy paid a lot more attention to her | 20%: this made it easy for her to fall for him |
As Thomas finishes with his table, he realizes that for sure he was responsible for not being present enough, for not communicating enough and for involuntarily pushing his wife to draw closer to his best friend, but he also notices that his ex-wife has her share of responsibility in all this. Falling in love too easily, spending time with another man, and his so-called best friend too had his share of responsibility.
From this table he now sees what are the things he can work on for his future and for his best interest, and the errors he shouldn’t make in his next relationship.
Exercise: Analyze Your Degree Of Responsibility
Is there any event right now for which you put 95-100% blame on you? Use the examples above to analyze the event, and let the truth set you free.
I blame myself for:………………………………………………
I rate the blame at: …………………………………………..%
| All possible causes of your problem | Percentage of responsibility |
| ? | ? |
| ? | ? |
| ? | ? |
The aim of this exercise is not to say that you’re responsible for nothing, but just to evaluate the situation with truth, without judging yourself or anyone. It will give you insight, perspective and wisdom and it will set you free from the cycle of self-blame which you had created on yourself due to this event.
Also, even if in the end you realize you had your share of responsibility in it, just confess it to God, receive His forgiveness and move on.
1 John 1:9 NIV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Prayer
Father Lord God Almighty, open my eyes to the truth, so that the truth may set me free, and help me realize that no matter how much I have messed up, the blood of Jesus Christ was poured for the forgiveness of all my sins, in Jesus Christ’s Name. Amen
It’s Now Your Turn
Don’t forget to do your homework today.
Has anyone done anything to you from which you assumed full responsibility? Have you learned to give yourself some grace? Please let us know in the comments section
Don’t forget to share this blog post on your social media accounts and to invite your friends and family members to join us as we’re waging war against depression. You may save a life by sharing.
If you’ve not done it yet, subscribe to my Newsletter so as not to miss any post on depression and also, make sure to invite anyone whom you know is suffering from depression.
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Invitation
Click here if you’re looking for a church. I recommend Elevation Church to you. A wonderful Christ-centered Church in which you aren’t limited by your location and in which you can see what God can do through you.
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God bless you
Victoria Eyog
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